Holiday Habits

After a painful coming out, Nate Whitten's Christmas includes finding new ways to celebrate with partner Ben Burke.

By Glenn Gullickson

Nate and Ben

Building Traditions

After a painful coming out, Nate Whitten finds new holiday habits with Ben Burke

When it comes to celebrating the holidays, Nate Whitten has rules. For him, Christmas starts on Thanksgiving morning when Santa Claus makes an appearance during the broadcast of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.

Whitten's partner of almost five years, Ben Burke, has learned to adapt. "I didn't know you had to watch the parade otherwise Christmas wouldn't come," Burke said.

On the day after Thanksgiving, Christmas music is played at home for the first time and the men start the major project of the season — decorating for the holiday — as they spend hours in stores like Target, Michael's and Home Depot scoping out the trends.

This year's decorating project includes filling a picture window in a condo the couple recently purchased in central Phoenix. If Whitten has his way, he said when it's finished it will look like a department store display window with lots of fake snow and animated snowmen.

"I love to decorate," Whitten said. "Ben says I try to do extravagant things and he just goes along for the ride."

Burke claimed that last year "the ride" included 15 trips to Target. He said there's a "ying and yang" to the relationship, making it his role to support Whitten's passion for the season, while monitoring the extravagance. "Nate likes to go big," Burke said.

But other than the decorating, Whitten and Burke said they have found a balance in their observance of the holidays that includes spending time with their families and building new traditions together.

"The last few years, we've been able to frame what the holidays are about for us," Burke said.

A Minister's Life

Whitten said his holiday decorating habit may be a reaction to his childhood, when his preacher father didn't allow decorations.

Whitten was born in Iowa and his family moved around the country as his father accepted church assignments, finally landing in Apache Junction in 1983, where Whitten attended junior high and high school.

Soon after graduating, Whitten married a girl he had met in high school, then earned a degree in pastoral theology from Western Bible College, an Assemblies of God institution in Phoenix.

Whitten started work as a youth minister in Phoenix, and later became a "pioneer pastor," starting a church in Apache Junction.

After five years with the church, his congregation had grown to 200 people and he and his wife had four young children.

But by 2000, Whitten said he realized he had a problem after he had developed feelings for a man he had met.

"That's when it started getting crazy," he said. "It got really dangerous for me. I was at a point that I was so miserable I wanted to end it."

Whitten remembers the date — March 8, 2001 — when everything unraveled. He had gone to lunch and a movie with the man he was seeing and his wife found suspicious phone records. Thinking that he was seeing another woman, she confronted Whitten.

"At that point, I didn't have any more excuses, no more lies. I'd used them all up," Whitten said. He admitted the truth. "Coming out saved my life, I can tell you that," he said.

Days later, Whitten told his congregation that he was taking a sabbatical. He declined the church's offer to send him to a "reform" program. "There was no point," he said.

He sent the church his resignation. "There was nothing really for me there. The Assemblies of God doesn't believe in gay ministers," Witten said. The divorce ending his 13-year marriage was final within months.

With his family damaged and his career and friends gone, Whitten said he went through a "party boy" phase and made several career changes as he tried to determine his direction.

Building New Traditions

Whitten and Burke met on the dance floor at Charlie's.

Burke is a Phoenix native who graduated from Washington High School. He said his coming out lacked drama. "Everyone just kind of knew," he said.

He was out to his family by the time he was attending the University of Arizona in Tucson, where he obtained a bachelor's degree in psychology and linguistics. He's also got a master's in counseling from the University of Phoenix.

Growing up, Burke said his family had holiday traditions, like the task of putting up "old school 1950s Christmas lights" that he shared with his brother and sister. There was a big Christmas Eve potluck and "tons of presents under the tree."

The gift opening would be followed by a fight with the wrapping paper that Burke remembered as "almost more fun than getting presents."

Christmas as a couple has been an adjustment for Burke. "Our family tradition has really changed," he said. "I really like the new traditions that we have."

Since they've been together, Whitten and Burke said they focus their holiday celebration on the family. "Christmas is about friends and family and relationships," Whitten said. "At our house, we've tried to take the emphasis away from commercialism."

The men will spend Christmas Eve with Whitten's children — a son and three daughters ranging in age from 14 to 21. Burke said he has a good relationship with Whitten's children. "His kids are so cool," he said. Whitten's oldest daughter is living with the men while she attends college.

Whitten's parents will be part of the holiday celebration. And Burke said he expects his mother to be part of the holidays after she recently moved back to the Valley.

While Burke usually handles cooking duties at home, on Christmas Eve Whitten is in charge in the kitchen. He prepares something he's never cooked before, like a special pot roast recipe one year, a Jewish dinner another time. The evening will also include visiting one of the Valley's public lighting displays.

While Whitten said he continues to be spiritual, he no longer has a church affiliation. "I have a really difficult time with churches," he said. "Having been a pastor and a church leader, it's really hard to sit in a pew."

About two years ago, Whitten started working as a personal trainer, then became a life coach when he realized his clients wanted to make bigger changes in their lives than just losing weight. He operates Live Today Life Coaching in Phoenix.

Whitten compared the work to his ministry, both jobs where he works to help people. "The difference between what I do now and what I did then is that on Sunday mornings I get to sleep in," he said.

Burke is also in a helping profession as a counselor at a private mental health agency in Scottsdale. He said he and Whitten "kind of do the same thing from different angles."

Burke said he sees the stress in his clients mount during the holiday season, but he encourages a way to find a balance by not getting wrapped up in expectations. "The biggest thing I've learned is to take time to do things for myself," he said.

One thing the men don't stress about is labeling their relationship. Whitten said the relationship is more important than defining it. He said he and Burke won't plan a wedding until there's marriage equality nationwide.

"Ben and I have not been married, but we have made a serious commitment," Whitten said. "It's the healthiest relationship I've ever had. We're together because we want to be together." -E